I've seen it too many times to count. A couple gets married and begins to build a life together. Then the kids come, and with them more responsibility and stress. Dad is on the fast track to success in his career. Like so many men, he gets seduced by the idea of making it to the top of his profession. Only one problem: As he climbs to the top, he forgets to bring his family with him. (This can, and does, happen to both men and women. But the situation I describe is what I see most often in my office.) He builds his life around work; she builds her life around the kids. In a manner of speaking, he has an affair with his career, and she has an affair with the kids. The wife and children may have ``knocked on his door'' for the husband's attention but he has not been answering, sometimes for a long time. Typically, there have been many fights over mundane things, while what the family is really searching for is a sense of connection. By the time the pair arrive in my office, they are roommates at best, and complete strangers, or sometimes enemies, at worst. As we begin to look at what the problems are and what we can do to fix them, the inevitable, and earned, resentment comes bubbling out. ``We never see you! All you do is work, work, work. You even missed Jimmy's baseball game.'' His response: ``I can't help it! I have to provide for my family, someone has to pay for all this!'' The problem here is that a grain of truth (``I have to provide for my family'') has been taken and so twisted and bent out of shape that it is destroying the family. What does it really mean to provide for a family? In the simplest terms, it means to be a full and complete partner in this adventure we call family, in everything from doing dishes and giving baths to entering into your partner's emotional world. Let's put some hands and feet on this notion of being a providing partner. It takes more than your presence. It takes full participation in all aspects of the family. Here are just a few ways in which full participation is needed: Child rearing. Kids need both parents. This is such a simple notion, yet so profound. In everything from changing diapers to mending broken hearts, dads need to be actively involved in the nurturing of their children. Domestic chores. It's really sort of simple, isn't it? Both people live in the house, so both should have an equally proportionate share of taking care of it. I've heard it said that real men don't do windows. Real men do whatever is necessary for the family. Time. This is the active ingredient in nurturing children. Forget the cliche about quality time. Simply spend time together, doing something or doing nothing at all. Planning. Joint planning for the family's future needs is a task that is easily overlooked and left to chance. But in his book ``Tender Warrior'' (Multnomah Books, $16.99), Stu Weber calls this the ``provisionary heart'' of a man. It means to look ahead and plan for the needs of the family. Intimacy. This can still be difficult for most men. For men, intimacy gets all tangled up with sex. Sex is a part of intimacy, but only a part. In order for a man to create an opportunity for emotional intimacy with his partner, certain needs have to be met. According to Willard Harley, author of ``His Needs, Her Needs'' the top five needs are: 1) Affection. Touch that does not necessarily lead to sex. Touch that says, ``you are important to me and I care about you.'' 2) Conversation. Talking for the sake of talking can be a bonding experience for couples. The only goal is to share yourself with each other. 3) Honesty and openness. This requires trust and vulnerability. Intimacy is letting someone know who you are. 4) Financial contribution. The one so many men get stuck on. 5) Family commitment. To be there to share the toil as well as the joys. Providing for a family is so much more than providing only material things. As Charles Petty of Family Success Unlimited says, ``Climb the ladder of success and bring your family with you.'' The bottom line is this: No amount of professional help can make up for failure at home. So many men get caught up in the provider role that they forget to provide the most important thing - themselves. |
