Im looking for a way out, but I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I have no faith in myself, or the decisions I make for myself and my kids. How do I get myself and my two teenagers out from under his control? With no money and no confidence, Id like some insight into what I can do? Most weeks, I receive emails of this type, the gist of which is: how do I get out, when I dont know where to go, what to do and feel utterly devoid of resources? What do you do when know you need to bring about huge changes in your life and the mere thought is enough to paralyse you? Mike Dooley, of whom more in a moment, famously said: You do what you can, from where you are, with what you have. And you trust. You start to trust in the nature of change. You may have reached the limits of what you know you can do, but that doesnt mean you have come anywhere near the limits of what is possible. Not by a long chalk. If nothing changes, nothing changes may be a truism, but it bears thinking about. Not least, because the opposite is equally true: If something changes, even something small, everything changes. Any change destabilizes the existing situation, albeit piecemeal, in ways that you might not even register at first. So suppose youre in this place where you feel paralysed and devoid of resources? You still do what you can, from where you are, with what you have. First of all, you honour your own courage and awareness, because you know what you want to do, despite all the brainwashing. There is something incredibly resilient inside you that will not give up and die despite all you have been through. Every thought, every hope and dream you entertain, however fleetingly, of something better is a seed that will grow. The root system is already strong and vigorous. Then you start to do whatever you can, from where you are. One thing I assume you have, if you are reading this at all, is access to a computer. By signing up to http://www.tut.com/mmm.shtml, 5 days a week you can receive a FREE, inspirational, personalized message from the Universe (aka Mike Dooley). Brief messages like this one: "There's ALWAYS a way, Annie. Though chances are, it's not the one that first comes to mind. Tallyho, The Universe" take barely a minute to read, but cannot fail to raise your spirits and a smile. Mike Dooley has, clearly, experienced the dark night of the soul to put it poetically. His message is guaranteed to give a lift to anyone else who is there, regardless of the circumstances that cast them into that dark night. Next you continue to seek out the support you need, both from sources like "The Woman You Want To Be" ezine and from whatever groups in the real world are available to you. One thing that always strikes me when working with an abused woman for the first time, is the sense of relief and reassurance she gets from discovering that she is not the only one. Not only does she realise that it isnt her fault, but she can enter into a society of her peers, with no lies, no cover-ups and no shame. There is something incredibly powerful about sharing with other women who do understand her partners bad behaviours. And discovering that they can almost finish each others sentences and stories. Because abusive men all appear, at some point, to have attended Abusive Man School, where they learned the same threats, insults, gestures, temper tantrums, sulks and excuses. What these women have been through can never be termed funny. Still they start to see their partners temper tantrums for what they are and they laugh at the snit fits. That laughter comes from an extraordinarily profound courage and breaks the bonds that locked them into their partners moods. Its not a solution, but it does mark a big step forward. That laughter enables them to connect honestly with other people once again. So they start to break out of the isolation their partner imposed on them. Beyond that, I always urge women to find 10 things to celebrate in their day, and to celebrate them last thing at night, before they go to sleep. Again, you start from where you are with what you have. You may celebrate something your child, or a friend, has said to you. You may celebrate having a roof over your head, or enough food to eat, or the sunshine, the beauty of a flower, a childs smile. The choice is yours. Time and again, when I say this to women who are in the depths of despair, they initially assume I must be a cross between Pollyanna and a moron. And when they start to practise this, they are amazed at what a shift it brings about in their feelings about themselves and the world It wont turn an abusive partner into a nice guy, any more than Danny De Vito can turn into Brad Pitt, but it will start the process of restoring joy and confidence to your life. Once your joy and confidence start to revive so to will your intuition and your sense of empowerment. At that point, with your sense of your self and your gifts, qualities and resources in place, you will have faith in your ability to make good decisions. You will be able to get out successfully and create a better life for yourself and your children. Start the process of getting out by doing what you can, from where you are, with what you have; and trust. No need to worry about how it will pan out; the results will amaze and delight you. Just trust, commit and watch it unfold. (C) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
